Variable Data Portal: Not What It Sounds Like

Tay Fewell, of local advertising agency CGR Creative, was excited to learn that his firm was working on a project involving variable data portals. That was, until he learned that the portals had absolutely nothing to do with inter-dimensional travel.

“There was like half a second where I thought that my 'boss'* Jason, who is really lame and wouldn’t even buy a Star Trek water cooler when I asked him to, had developed these things that I hadn’t even heard of (which is “unheard of”) that were going to open holes in the space-time continuum right in the office,” said Fewell, adding that he recalled right away how lame Jason is and wasn’t fooled for any longer than 1/3 of a second.

Fewell went on to say that despite his initial disappointments when he “simply forgot in [his] excitement that a Variable Data Portal is really a way for clients to create completely custom direct mail pieces for their customers using a database, it really is pretty cool anyway. At this point, his boss Jason popped his head in to the office and told Fewell to “shut up if [he didn’t] want to sound like an moron in the newspaper.” Fewell set his phaser to stun.

*Here Fewell used “air-quotes”