Saturday, March 6, 2010

“Extinct” Species Found in Jason Ramsey’s Coffee Mug

Charlotte, North Carolina – In a world saturated by images of polar bears adrift lonely icebergs, it seems rare to have a day of celebrating in the environmental community. But yesterday, animal rights activists and earth-huggers everywhere cheered at news that a species once thought to be extinct was found alive and well. The cheers quickly turned to confused grunts when it was revealed that the species was indeed found in Jason Ramsey’s coffee mug.

The species Madiup-ous Frogious, or Dillworth Spotted wild frog, is a tiny purple frog that was thought to have died out in the late 1980s. They once thrived in the dusty slopes of Southend’s trolley line. Overpopulation in the area and special protections made by hunters for the blue winged table grouse, a common predator of the spotted wild frog, decimated the species. Or so we all thought.

Published in the New England Journal of Anthropology last week was a second-hand account of a frog spotting.

As if this revelation was not shocking enough, the nature of the frogs’ reproductive processes is so strange that it has been Wikipedia-ed more times than “Clay Aiken.” The frogs are of the “gastric brooding” variety, meaning that they lay eggs in their own stomachs. They then turn off their gastric juices, birth the eggs, and carry them through the larval and tadpole phase. The bizarre creature then births the young frogs, fully formed, out of their mouths.

Scientists asked to comment on the finding shared shock, dismay, and in one case, an eerie knowing. “It is quite strange,” conceded Dr. Theisel Soundwright, “and yet it makes total sense. I can’t think of anywhere one would be more likely to find a frog vomiting out other frogs than in Jason Ramsey’s coffee mug.”

Since the discovery, rumors have been flying that Columbian drug lords want the frogs in order to smuggle cocaine over airplanes. Rouge “biochemists” supposedly possess the technology to reverse engineer the genetic makeup of the frogs so that their stomachs will support large amounts of cocaine, while hiding it from drug sniffing dogs. These rumors have mostly been ignored by the Jason Ramsey camp.

Mr. Ramsey, the man himself, held a press conference Friday morning to announce that while he is extremely honored to possess the chosen sole ecosystem for this species, he simply cannot allow them to continue to exist due to the threat they pose to International security and American liberties... Plus he already put on another pot of coffee.

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